I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
