sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
