I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
