Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
