i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
