im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
