Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
