walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
