please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
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