Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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