Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
