And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
