Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
