You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
