I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
