Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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