just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
