just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
