I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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