Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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