if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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