I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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