not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
