It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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