sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
