did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
And then he peed in my hair
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