Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
