he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
