i think my tv is drunk
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Randomize
