just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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