Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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