trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
