Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
