My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
