I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
