you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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