Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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