tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
