Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
