The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
