I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
