I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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