Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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