What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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