I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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