he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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