Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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