also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She just used a chaser for red wine.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
