Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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