When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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