Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
