i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I puked a lego.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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