Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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