Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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