If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
