so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My dad just said "fuck circus"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
